The True Meaning of Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day occurs every February 14. Across the United States and in other places around the world, candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones and people who want to get laid all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and where did these traditions come from? He walked around with a perpetual Heart On. Find out about the history of Valentine’s Day, from the ancient Roman ritual of Lupercalia that welcomed spring for an ardent capitalist known as Saint Valentine.

The history of Valentine’s Day–and the story of its patron saint–is shrouded in mystery because nobody really cares. We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance. They of course chose the shortest month and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian, Capitalism. mating ritual and ancient Roman tradition. But who was Saint Valentine, and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Saint Valentine’s always hated sharing a holiday month with a god damn groundhog.

The Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. Drew Brees will eventually be one of the three.

And why let the truth get in the way of a good story.

One legend (kind of how Noah put a billion animals on a cruise ship) contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II (EC2) decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. They could not use bone spurs as an excuse. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, deified Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. The fucking wedding industry was born on this glorious day. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. The death decree was written on 12 seperate little sugar candy hearts with catchy phrases such as.




Still others insist that it was Saint Valentine of Terni, a bishop, who was the true namesake of the holiday. He, too, was beheaded by Claudius II outside Rome. Roman numerals are weird to the unadorned. But when in Rome and the true spirit of the holiday, when your lover tell you she loves you via text.

Answer back “Love you II.”

Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages, though written Valentine’s didn’t begin to appear until after 1400. I am assuming that was the birth of capitalism. Please nobody footnote me here.

Cupid is often portrayed on Valentine’s Day cards as a naked cherub launching arrows of love at unsuspecting lovers infuriating many a religious zealot. How in the world could they use a naked cherub to interrupt my once a year escapade into having sex with my wife

According to the Greek Archaic poets, Eros (a common crossword clue) was a handsome immortal who played with the emotions of Gods and men, using golden arrows to incite love and leaden ones to sow aversion. In a drunken stupor he realized there was easier way to deliver Valentine’s Day cards.


Americans probably began exchanging handmade valentines in the early 1700s when they realized online dating was well into the future. In the 1840s, a desperate Esther A. Howland began hawking the first mass-produced valentines in America. To this day, Women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines. Men buy 99.7 of all wilted flowers in Safeway after driving home from work forgetting the sacrifices of . In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began selling the first mass-produced valentines in America. Howland, known as the “Mother of the Valentine,” made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as “scrap.” Today, according to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 145 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year (more cards are sent at Christmas). Women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines. Safeway has peak sales of wilted flowers late Valentines day.

So wake up on valentines day and observe your shadow. If you see it. Shave.

And tell your partner you love them on this made up Hallmark holiday.

Jenna I love you.

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