Taxing Sex

Dear Mr. XXX
An Open Letter to the Mayor of Portland

Dear Mr. Wheeler;

In the state of Oregon we have a local income tax that is dependent on the ebb and flow of salaries, a robust economy and other factors we can not control. And with the expected fervor after the pandemic all money is being directed away from the vital programs such as schools and social services. That is another Pandora’s can of worms but the topic of this essay is not worms.

What any organization or working entity needs is a reliable and predictable way to rely on revenues.

We have all seen the bumper sticker that read loosely “It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber. “ Well with this plan there will be no more bake sales.

So here is the plan and it is pretty straight forward.


A Tax on Sex.

And there are many people who stop reading right at this line but this is not as radical an idea as one would think. I do not have the exact numbers worked out; numbers are something I can do well so for now I will just make some assumptions.

It is pretty simple, get rid of the Multnomah county tax immediately. We need to levy a tax every time a person has sex. For now I am going to go with a 3.00 tax each and every time you have sex.

Back of the Envelope Calculation

At first glance this number seemed way too low to me thinking that on the average people have sex 80 times a year (I am not footnoting this as I am making some assumptions) but then I realized I had forgot one basic fact. For this scenario, it takes 2 people to have sex. Solo acts are not taxed or we can hire some task force or some covert commission to figure that one out. So basically the average revenue collected would be about 500.00 per household.

Collection Method

This will basically be the honour system. I have tried talking to the people at Turbo Tax and H & R Block and they have not as yet included this into their software calculations. They are getting close. But basically the individual is required to just keep a general log of each time sex occurs between two people. At the end of the year just sum it up and multiply by 3.00. This is ironically very similar to the current collection process based lies and conjecture.

What Constitutes a Taxable Event?
A taxable event is defined as
Intercourse (Orgasm not required…Tips are appreciated)
Oral

Its seems obvious people will cheat


That’s funny that somebody might bring this point up as, I somehow believe that people once in a while cheat on their income taxes. But this system works fairy well.

Basically, Multnomah County is a pretty progressive county that is full of law abiding, affluent, fairly liberal demographic. They are a group of people who also think they are having sex a lot more than they are actually having sex.

The obvious Under Reporter - We have anticipated this scenario and we think we have this one under control. Let’s say somebody reports a 12 for a year. My assumption it’s going to be a macho- tax hating, non school funding conservative who is most likely to do this. When he or she reports a big “12” on the bottom line, the cute clerk down at collections can query and ask a general question such as "EveryThing Working Okay".A few shuffles of the paper, an awkward glance and wry smile later, that will be adjusted upward.Joint returns with odd numbers reported are an egnimatic case and I am not touching this one as I am sure some paper pusher has come across this one before. (No pun intended)

Stating the Obvious


Multnomah County is not exactly middle America. It’s the county where every body seems to like woman and but that should not be a problem as we have that covered in the section what constitutes a Taxable event. I realize there will be problems of couples filing separately who report different numbers, but I am pretty sure they may be in need of County Services any way.

In conclusion this is a simple, collectable tax, which is not dependent on the state of the economy. In a rush-rush world this is a no brainer that simplifies our lives and brings dependable revenue flows to the children of our state.