The Side Effects of Endorphins

Norma and Al

Norma is average in every single way. Norma has it all. Norma has 2.3 kids, owns a dodge caravan, and binge watches the Walking Dead. Her favorite meal is a Totinos frozen pizza with a glass of Dr. Pepper on the side. 

She does her grocery shopping at the Giant down the street. You can always tell someone who has lived here a long time when they referred to the grocery store by the first name. Norma happily buys a case of plastic bottles of water because she does not trust the tap-water. She dislikes with a passion, the new roundabout in the neighborhood. It is confusing and unnecessary. Laziness keeps her from filing a complaint.

She has not read a book in years. Norma has been overseas once. She went to Mexico. She did not really go over an ocean but close enough her and her husband Al devoured burritos every day. They felt worldly. She walks to the mailbox every day at 2:30 expecting something that is going to change their world. She buys a lottery ticket at the local convenience store every week. She won $32.00 three weeks ago, somehow, she figures she is ahead. She has a lawn, jockey in her yard. It is something her mother gave her. She never much thought about it. Next week she is gonna take the bus to Atlantic City and gamble away her $20 and another roll of quarters.

The marketers love her because they think they know what she is gonna do. She is the statistical norm within two standard deviations.

Her husband, Al watches NASCAR on the weekend, loves to eat at TGIF, he wears matching brown socks and has a yellow screw gun where he screws bolts into the wall. He has a gym membership, but he never goes. He hopes his wife picks him up some Bud Light on the way home from the store and a bag of chips. He is particular about his potato chips and his pretzels. According to the actuarial tables, he is 15 pounds overweight. It does not bother him all that much.

They both check the obituaries first thing in the morning. The paper they still do get is a day old and at least there is the crosswords. They will split an Italian hoagie and a large bag of chips on a Friday night. There is ice cream in the refrigerator for later they settle on mint chocolate chip. .

Because today he must wash his truck, it runs faster when it is clean. He could really use a burger and the drive-through is 6 cars deep. That is not so bad. He saves the ketchup packets and puts them in the kitchen drawer. He has a few screwdriver bits for his screw gun in there as well. He wishes he had a gun, yes, he tells everybody he has one. Somehow, it is the proper thing to do. Next week they will be fireworks he thinks he will buy them for himself and his neighbors, and even the neighbors who do not like them. That will blow their minds.

They have an American flag on their front porch and a welcome mat. They have an edge trimmer to keep the lawn trimmed and a sprinkler system that is on a timer. They go to church occasionally and never miss Christmas or Easter and that’s gospel and neither argues with it. He thinks heaven, is fantasy, and she takes it as gospel. This is an argument for another day.

Norma and Al are the weirdest people I have ever met, by how normal they are.

But then again, I do not know them all that well.

I saw Al at the convenience store the other day buying some condoms and a lottery ticket. He glanced at the nonexistent cameras on the wall, hoping not to remain unnoticed. He also bought a lottery ticket. Who knows where he was going?

I thought Norma was pregnant, so that is why I thought she had two point something kids. She is not. I do not think that her husband buying condoms and her not being pregnant are related.

But my point confirmed. I went to the roller Derby a few towns over. I wanted to get away and be by myself, and I thought this would be the ticket. I thought there was no way I would see anybody I knew there. I watched the teams warming up and there, much to my humble surprise, was Miss Norma skating with The Camden Warriors. Who knew somebody so normal could be in the roller derby. I watched her skate around and getting in a brawl with someone from the other team. She skated with graceful precision and was in better shape than I imagined.

She even got in a fistfight with a gal from the Allentown Dragons. She threw a punch and took one right to the ear. That is going to hurt in the morning.

Statistically roller derby is her activity on the downslope of the normal curve. It also could be the upslope. It does not matter that much. It was nice to see her at the Derby match tonight. I decided to head out to a bar located nearthe roller derby arena. I booked a room for the night as who wants to drive. I did not want to go home, and I felt like I was going toward my second divorce. It was the statistically correct thing to do. I am joking here as I have just had two strong drinks at the hotel bar.

As I search for what it is like to be completely average and have it all.